Backtracking...

In the act of catching up - we took a gorgeous hike around the Table Rock, SC area the day after Thanksgiving with my stepmom and dad.

It's one of my favorite places - it's close and beautiful - fulfilling two important criteria for spur-of-the-moment hikes.

There are a ton of waterfalls - this is just a small one on the way up.

How does one woman get so lucky to have this silly guy for a dad and this silly girl for a daughter?

Will was disinclined to have pictures taken, so we have one of his and mommy's shadows and holding on to Grandfather for dear life.  

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. To have such beautiful surroundings for a post-Thanksgiving picnic and hike.

My struggles are many - like why I am suddenly one of the angriest people alive, with no good cause to show for it, but moments like these bring it back into focus for me. It doesn't take my general frustration away (let's not get me started on common core and my current inability to provide for my children and homeschool them). But it makes it bearable. It reminds me that I'm surrounded by some pretty amazing people, and for that I am truly grateful.

Wow… it's just been that long.

So honestly, it's sort of embarrassing coming back to a blog that you haven't touched in almost 3 years.  But if I've learned anything in a three-year absence it's that the truth hurts - and that doesn't mean we put a shiny layer on and make it new. Let's take the rough-around-the-edges truth, and go from there.

As I sat this morning, sipping my coffee, hair wet, awaiting an email reply for my stay-at-home job, I came across a blog that was just what was needed - www.sewliberated.typepad.com.

I ADORE this mama's approach to parenting. I ADORE her patterns (Esme shirt pattern is ordered and fabric is on hand - I'm ecstatic!) I'm just in love with this blog - so much so that I went back 2 years and consumed it bit by lovely bit.

It was amazing perspective for me. It was inspiring and kind, hopeful and sad. It was everything I needed in that moment.

So today - I am starting things one at a time. I don't have to have all of it done today. But I do have to move - out of my comfort zone - off of my couch - out of the "sorry for myself" state I want to be in and into the light.

One kitchen cabinet cleaned out.
One knitting project picked back up even for just a few minutes.
One choice to make one moment with my daughter and son exactly what it should be.

My children are beautiful and healthy. I have a devoted and loving husband. I am so fortunate.

If you are reading this (and can bear with me being bossy for a minute), Stop. Stop for one moment. Breathe - a deep, cleansing breath. If there's pain, acknowledge it. Cry if tears come. If there's joy, revel in it. Smile, with abandon. Who cares if anyone is watching? If there is anger, stop and shake its hand - yell if yelling is required. If there is peace, soak every ounce of it in. Close your eyes and experience all of the love that is waiting.

Let's let as many moments as will be be just like that perfect autumn afternoon, playing in the leaves, loving the last of the summer sunlight.  :)

love and peace~
Sara

Yep - I'm still a kid.

Not that this is really a surprise to anyone - but it's just become evident to me in the past couple of days how many ways I am still really a kid. Like:

1. I made apple bread this morning. I had to sit and watch it bake. Oven light on. Oven light off. I'm worse than my 1-year-old.
2. When outside with the kids, I'd rather run around with them, pick up sticks and hunt for fun stuff in the woods than I would check my phone.
3. Also when outside I LOVE to sit and just take in a small bit of ground in minute detail. I like to watch the ants crawling through the forest of grass, roots, rocks and dandelions.
4. Washing the car is fun - no really - it is. :D
5. I like to paint, color and doodle.
6. I still think pretzels and goldfish with apple juice make a good snack.
7. I like water slides and swimming. If I'm going to a pool or the ocean I expect my hair to get wet. Thus I have no time for a bikini - one piece or firmly fitted two piece it is.
8. I still like to fly kites - and I still want a really nice one from that tiny shop in St. Augustine, Florida.

I guess that's all I can think of at the moment - but I'm making a pact with myself to really take the time to enjoy these things more. :) why not?

Bright blue sky...

Woke up this morning (okay not actually when I woke up since I am almost always up before the sun) reveling in just how blue the sky is this morning! And after checking in on Mel's blog - I'm reminded just how much promise each day has. Wasn't it from Anne of Green Gables that was said, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes."? Or something similar ;-)

I love that. Today is fresh. It has no mistakes in it yet. I haven't spent the day with a grumpy face and griping. I have the chance to smile at this day - and I'm going to take it. :-)

Now - let's see how long that will last as I begin potty training - oh my.

Just in a weird place lately...

That really pretty much sums it all up. I'm in a weird place, and it's a lonely one.

I hesitate to say that I'm depressed. I don't think that's it really. It's just lonely around here lately. Michael is working nonstop now to make up for all of the not working that happened over the last few months. I'm still trying to find some work to do, and doing what I can from home.

My buddy Cathie is in Phoenix and I guess that's a big part of what's so hard! We have similarly aged kids, and we love one another's kids as our own. I miss that terribly! I think part of the reason that I miss that is that there's this weird thing since mom's gone. There's no one else who thinks my kids are the greatest thing in the world.

There's Michael's mom - but that's not the same to me because we've never had that sort of connection. So having a friend who is just as apt to brag on my kids as her own means a lot. *sigh*

Everyone else who loves me and my kids is wondnerful - they're just busy - as they should be. They have their own families, mostly with older children, and their own lives. It's really that missing mom bit, I think. She'd be here. She'd be playing with the kids. She'd be taking them to the zoo or out for ice cream. And that's all to me now.

It is what it is. I can't sit in a deep, dark place my entire life because I miss mom. I'll never stop missing her, it's just that occasionally I miss her more keenly, and that's been very evident lately.

So there. :-) In other news, Michael's mom has back surgery tomorrow - so we're praying that goes well. I'm crocheting the Tiramisu baby blanket for a baby gift that my sister wants to give to someone and trying to stay busy!!

Me.

So what does it mean...

when you dream about hamburger. And I mean A. LOT. OF. HAMBURGER.

I was walking through my kitchen wondering what to make for dinner and opened the fridge and started fishing around only to find unused and spoiling several huge family packs of hamburger. I was really distraught over it. I just kept looking at it and shaking my head, trying to figure out what to do.

Ideas?

sleepier and sleepier

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so tired. But I am. Really. Tired.

I could go on and on about financial stuff, how I need a vast quantity of me time, how much I hate picking up after other adults and all sorts of other funness.

But really - why? The deal is, I'm just tired. I do need some me time, but I don't currently have any way to get it. So I'll keep plugging on and hope that things iron out sooner than later - then I might go sleep for two days. :)