The Spark...

Each night after I head out from the barn, I usually swing up to the barn owner's house for a moment to say hello and let her know that everything is just as it should be - and am very fortunate that most night she shares a cup of tea or some freshly-made juice while we sort out the world's problems and have a few laughs. The other night, an interesting topic came up.

We talked about being 30-somethings who feel as though in some areas of our lives we have misplaced that spark that makes us "us". We had the most wonderful chat about the things we used to love about ourselves that we might need to reconnect with.

Although it would probably surprise a lot of my friends today, I have actually been known for being rather spunky and fearless. I used to be a radio dj. I was an avid rock climber and runner. I love to take long, 10 hour +, road trips on my own.

So I made a step in that direction this weekend, connecting with a friend who is a chef to see if I can come observe him at some point in the kitchen. It's kind of a dream of mine. I don't think I could hack (or want to) the daily operation in something like that, but I really do want to see how it all goes down. He said yes - so we'll see!

I'm also trying to foster it in this gal -

I want her to know that it's okay to be just who she is, but that it's exciting and good for us to step out of our comfort zone now and again. So I think we're going to go indoor rock climbing with Grandfather soon. I used to run a climbing gym in my heyday, and I'd like her to see if it's something she likes - if not, that's totally cool, but she tried, and that's what it's all about. 

This guy and I had a conversation this morning about what he wants to do - baseball? "YES!" Rock Climbing? "No. That's just hilarious," He says. :)  He says his favorite thing is to run - so there ya go. 

I've been so inspired by the reading I've been doing lately by all of the people out there who are loving and empowering kids to be just who they are and proud of it. Some people are lamenting this next generation and their inability to adapt and deal with disappointment. And I think it's a valid concern. I also think that there are those of us out there who are trying our best to equip their children to live in this world as they are - and to make it a better and more beautiful place to be in the best way they know how. I know I don't get it right a lot of the time, but I do know that putting forth the effort regardless is important.

And to finish - because it's out of character for me and I was slightly proud.  :)

I needed fingerless gloves for these frigid nights at the barn, and couldn't find any straight away. So I purchased a pair - just to cut up. This goes against every fiber of my being. Ha! They are perfect and I'm so glad I did. It's something small, but I think every little thing that stretches us helps!

Kindness...

Yesterday was crazy. Full moon crazy.

One of the lovely things about closing a barn - getting to see lovely moons. :)

My sweet Samantha had worked so hard all week on good behavior at school and was eagerly anticipating a Thursday afternoon treat with mom. But it was not to be. Apparently it was a hard day on all fronts.

I had one last errand to run after picking her up, so we went on to the post office while having a chat about consequences of behavior etc.

As we're walking in, a gentleman is following up behind us. I turned to ask Sam to hold the door, but she was already on her way to do it. She stopped and held the one door for him and then the second door. He was gracious, and we all went on about our stamp-purchasing and mailing business.

As we were getting ready to post our letters, the man stopped by, and we told him to have a good day. He looked at Samantha and said, "It was very nice of you to hold the door for me. Thank you." And handed her a $5 bill.

She thanked him with her shy smile - which is of course the most genuine smile she has - I think grateful for some redemption in what had been an otherwise stinky day.

While I certainly don't want her to feel that good manners and kind behavior always come with a monetary reward (as they almost never do) I was SO grateful for this lovely gentleman and his reinforcement of the type of manners and treatment of our fellow human beings we are trying to teach our children.

Thank you lovely man - wherever you are.  :)

#boldbrilliantbeautifulyou

So buzzing around the blogosphere on Saturday I found this lovely blog by Carla small + friendly.

The post at the top is about living unapologetically. It really struck home.

It's so nice that people are impressed when they find you made the shirt you're wearing, or cooked a lovely meal or ________.  But when did it become de rigeur for us to apologize?!?! It's just terrible. We need not feel guilty for the things that we do in our life, especially the things that we are good at! 

And isn't it true that there's always a flip side? While I sew quite well and do love to knit - and seriously make one mean cheesecake (and let's not forget the quiche), I am completely rotten at organizing my home and a million other things. I live in a small home with no dedicated play-space for the kiddos, so I cringe every time the markers/watercolors/scissors/playdough come out. That's awful! If I want to feel guilty or embarrassed, there is plenty there without going into the things I should be proud of. 


I now unapologetically post pictures of our trip to Mt. Leconte this summer. It's something my step-mom has been doing for over 20 years, and I've been lucky enough to join the past two. 

I LEAVE MY CHILDREN for 3 days. 3 days!!! To the care of their father! Who lets them play in my makeup!  :) And it's wonderful for all of us each time. (See? I stink at sitting up straight - seriously need to work on that posture).

This is the night before the hike up to Leconte Lodge. We like taking pictures with wildlife when they're used to people and obliging enough to randomly lay down behind us. 

Part of the hike up. Just gorgeous and seeing a deer or two never hurts.

This is waiting for the sunset (that didn't really happen through the fog and clouds) the first night. My dear friend Adrienne and I after 5.5 miles straight. up. hill.   

Much love to you dear ones - practice living unapologetically. We'll get that bit wrong sometimes too - but the growing comes with the effort. 

S

Best. Boots. Ever.

So seriously. Best. Boots. Ever. (and say hello to Mae in the background)

These were a phenomenal Christmas gift from my boss at the barn. I took to calling her the boot fairy for a while.

She and I had the best chat the other night over a cup of tea about how one of the things we love about the barn is that this is *not* a competition in almost any way. Because our girls are more focused on being the best rider they can be than getting to competitions (not that those two things are mutually exclusive at all) the barn tends to draw those who aren't comparing hair/breeches/makeup whatnot. Most likely we're not wearing much if any makeup (you'll just sweat it off). Our gals show up in t-shirts with the sleeves cut off in the summer and piled high with whatever is warm in the winter. Our socks probably don't match and we're happiest around the beasties - not even necessarily on them.

We might want to know where your fantastic boots came from though.  :)

I wear these regularly at the barn, but with a damp paper towel, they cleaned up beautifully for Christmas Midnight Mass with a tweedy brown skirt and cabled ivory sweater.

You can pick up your own fantastic boots from SmartPak Equine.

A little sewing...

So since I don't have any good pictures of a current project, here's one that was finished for Samantha's Kindergarten Graduation. Newer things will be coming soon -waiting for a few patterns in the mail!

The pattern is Kwik Sew K3905. The only hang up I had at all was the collar. Getting that curve right was a bit challenging, otherwise, it's a piece of cake!

Sam and Will - I think I like his hair longer like this. Time to let it grow!  :)  

How Samantha thinks she's supposed to look for a picture.

This is probably a little closer to reality.

And this is normal.  I think this is the only full length shot I got of the dress. We've definitely gotten good use out of this one for a few birthday parties, church and various whatever else. It's comfy and bright - which makes it a 6-year-old's favorite! 

I left the hem a little on the long side because I wanted a long dress. Used the Blind hem on my Bernina Aurora 430 and it works like a  charm (as always! I love that thing!). 

Snuggle time!

As they get bigger, if I get snuggle time at all with the kiddos, it's usually only on the weekend. Every once in a while I am lucky enough for one of them to fall asleep sitting with me - and it brings back so many fuzzy memories of little baby snuggles!

So have some snuggle pics from me to you on this chilly day.

Samantha and I are more silly than sleepy.

Will is the booger who slept ON me for the first year and a half of his life. He pretty well sleeps in his own bed now, though comes looking for mommy quite a bit. Which while it sometimes makes for a sleepy mommy, I'm okay with. :) I'm all too aware of the fact that these moments are fleeting.

So it's cold.

Like much of the USA at the moment, South Carolina is a cold place to be.

One of the newer (and most lovely) aspects of my life is having the privilege to work at a horse barn. Samantha and I get lessons, and I get to spend an hour to two each week night with these gorgeous animals and to have some centering time. 

With it being so cold, making sure those beautiful boys and girls drink enough is priority #1. 

It's fun to get all of the ice out of a bucket in one piece, don't ya think?

When ice forms on the storm door, the natural thing to do is melt it with your hands to make handprints (that remain for hours!)

Say hello to Penny. It's hard to get good pictures at night when they're trying to eat. :) But she's Amish and I love her.

Samantha and her instructor on a not so cold day on the pony she usually rides, Lady. We've decided a little bareback at the end of a lesson is good for the soul.

Backtracking...

In the act of catching up - we took a gorgeous hike around the Table Rock, SC area the day after Thanksgiving with my stepmom and dad.

It's one of my favorite places - it's close and beautiful - fulfilling two important criteria for spur-of-the-moment hikes.

There are a ton of waterfalls - this is just a small one on the way up.

How does one woman get so lucky to have this silly guy for a dad and this silly girl for a daughter?

Will was disinclined to have pictures taken, so we have one of his and mommy's shadows and holding on to Grandfather for dear life.  

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. To have such beautiful surroundings for a post-Thanksgiving picnic and hike.

My struggles are many - like why I am suddenly one of the angriest people alive, with no good cause to show for it, but moments like these bring it back into focus for me. It doesn't take my general frustration away (let's not get me started on common core and my current inability to provide for my children and homeschool them). But it makes it bearable. It reminds me that I'm surrounded by some pretty amazing people, and for that I am truly grateful.

Wow… it's just been that long.

So honestly, it's sort of embarrassing coming back to a blog that you haven't touched in almost 3 years.  But if I've learned anything in a three-year absence it's that the truth hurts - and that doesn't mean we put a shiny layer on and make it new. Let's take the rough-around-the-edges truth, and go from there.

As I sat this morning, sipping my coffee, hair wet, awaiting an email reply for my stay-at-home job, I came across a blog that was just what was needed - www.sewliberated.typepad.com.

I ADORE this mama's approach to parenting. I ADORE her patterns (Esme shirt pattern is ordered and fabric is on hand - I'm ecstatic!) I'm just in love with this blog - so much so that I went back 2 years and consumed it bit by lovely bit.

It was amazing perspective for me. It was inspiring and kind, hopeful and sad. It was everything I needed in that moment.

So today - I am starting things one at a time. I don't have to have all of it done today. But I do have to move - out of my comfort zone - off of my couch - out of the "sorry for myself" state I want to be in and into the light.

One kitchen cabinet cleaned out.
One knitting project picked back up even for just a few minutes.
One choice to make one moment with my daughter and son exactly what it should be.

My children are beautiful and healthy. I have a devoted and loving husband. I am so fortunate.

If you are reading this (and can bear with me being bossy for a minute), Stop. Stop for one moment. Breathe - a deep, cleansing breath. If there's pain, acknowledge it. Cry if tears come. If there's joy, revel in it. Smile, with abandon. Who cares if anyone is watching? If there is anger, stop and shake its hand - yell if yelling is required. If there is peace, soak every ounce of it in. Close your eyes and experience all of the love that is waiting.

Let's let as many moments as will be be just like that perfect autumn afternoon, playing in the leaves, loving the last of the summer sunlight.  :)

love and peace~
Sara

Yep - I'm still a kid.

Not that this is really a surprise to anyone - but it's just become evident to me in the past couple of days how many ways I am still really a kid. Like:

1. I made apple bread this morning. I had to sit and watch it bake. Oven light on. Oven light off. I'm worse than my 1-year-old.
2. When outside with the kids, I'd rather run around with them, pick up sticks and hunt for fun stuff in the woods than I would check my phone.
3. Also when outside I LOVE to sit and just take in a small bit of ground in minute detail. I like to watch the ants crawling through the forest of grass, roots, rocks and dandelions.
4. Washing the car is fun - no really - it is. :D
5. I like to paint, color and doodle.
6. I still think pretzels and goldfish with apple juice make a good snack.
7. I like water slides and swimming. If I'm going to a pool or the ocean I expect my hair to get wet. Thus I have no time for a bikini - one piece or firmly fitted two piece it is.
8. I still like to fly kites - and I still want a really nice one from that tiny shop in St. Augustine, Florida.

I guess that's all I can think of at the moment - but I'm making a pact with myself to really take the time to enjoy these things more. :) why not?

Bright blue sky...

Woke up this morning (okay not actually when I woke up since I am almost always up before the sun) reveling in just how blue the sky is this morning! And after checking in on Mel's blog - I'm reminded just how much promise each day has. Wasn't it from Anne of Green Gables that was said, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes."? Or something similar ;-)

I love that. Today is fresh. It has no mistakes in it yet. I haven't spent the day with a grumpy face and griping. I have the chance to smile at this day - and I'm going to take it. :-)

Now - let's see how long that will last as I begin potty training - oh my.

Just in a weird place lately...

That really pretty much sums it all up. I'm in a weird place, and it's a lonely one.

I hesitate to say that I'm depressed. I don't think that's it really. It's just lonely around here lately. Michael is working nonstop now to make up for all of the not working that happened over the last few months. I'm still trying to find some work to do, and doing what I can from home.

My buddy Cathie is in Phoenix and I guess that's a big part of what's so hard! We have similarly aged kids, and we love one another's kids as our own. I miss that terribly! I think part of the reason that I miss that is that there's this weird thing since mom's gone. There's no one else who thinks my kids are the greatest thing in the world.

There's Michael's mom - but that's not the same to me because we've never had that sort of connection. So having a friend who is just as apt to brag on my kids as her own means a lot. *sigh*

Everyone else who loves me and my kids is wondnerful - they're just busy - as they should be. They have their own families, mostly with older children, and their own lives. It's really that missing mom bit, I think. She'd be here. She'd be playing with the kids. She'd be taking them to the zoo or out for ice cream. And that's all to me now.

It is what it is. I can't sit in a deep, dark place my entire life because I miss mom. I'll never stop missing her, it's just that occasionally I miss her more keenly, and that's been very evident lately.

So there. :-) In other news, Michael's mom has back surgery tomorrow - so we're praying that goes well. I'm crocheting the Tiramisu baby blanket for a baby gift that my sister wants to give to someone and trying to stay busy!!

Me.

So what does it mean...

when you dream about hamburger. And I mean A. LOT. OF. HAMBURGER.

I was walking through my kitchen wondering what to make for dinner and opened the fridge and started fishing around only to find unused and spoiling several huge family packs of hamburger. I was really distraught over it. I just kept looking at it and shaking my head, trying to figure out what to do.

Ideas?

sleepier and sleepier

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so tired. But I am. Really. Tired.

I could go on and on about financial stuff, how I need a vast quantity of me time, how much I hate picking up after other adults and all sorts of other funness.

But really - why? The deal is, I'm just tired. I do need some me time, but I don't currently have any way to get it. So I'll keep plugging on and hope that things iron out sooner than later - then I might go sleep for two days. :)

A little list...

1. I got the work-at-home job I've been going for which required a test that's supposed to take 8-10 hours to complete.

2. I completed the test in 6 hours.

3. They gave us 5 days to finish the test.

4. I did it in two.

5. I spent three days wringing my hands wondering how I'd done.

6. After I got the job, I never got my "Welcome" and "Here's all the info you need" email.

7. I've already had to email the support team twice and it's just noon on Monday.

8. I need to email them again because I think I've already screwed up my timesheet.

9. I'm afraid to send them any more emails now. :-(

10. Nephew is here today and he and DD are at it like cats and dogs.

11. I wonder which one is the dog and which the cat.

12. I am short on sleep and overdosed on caffiene - therefore this question with my new job is making me feel like I need to go for a 12 mile run.

13. I don't do 12 mile runs anymore.

14. Maybe I need to start running again. :)

15. Or maybe a nap is a better idea.

And cuz my stepmom took it, it's pretty and I love her...

For Mel

Yesterday...

Spent part of the day at a 'joust' with the kiddos, SIL and nephew. Mostly a wonderful time - there was the bit where Sam decided to melt down and we spent over an hour in the car so she could calm down. But we'll move past that and remember the fun parts. :-)

SIL with the kids - yup - I didn't have a costume for Sam :(

My little pumpkin

Out knight (or Sir Knight as he called himself) on the pony ride

She had fun!

The bunnies were hard to see - it was called a petting zoo, but you weren't allowed to touch any of the animals. More of a looking zoo methinks. 

Nephew slew the dragon

And the girl has an arm for the bean bag toss. 

A good time was had by all. 

Everyone have a happy and safe Halloween!

Red, gold and blue

This picture is a couple of years old - the drive to dad's house for his 70th - but it's how I feel today - bright with hope and beauty. :-) Now let's go for a drive!

It's a new day -

and I'm sleepy thanks to kiddos who decided that 1:30 am was a good time to be awake. I know it's part and parcel of being a mom. And even though I stay home with said kiddos, that doesn't mean that I'm going to get a nap today. When else am I supposed to mop the floor??  :)

Anyway- in regards to my lofty goal and stinkiness of yesterday - fortunately the stinky, mean email people decided that it was best to let well enough alone - thank heavens. So hopefully that's the last that we've heard of that.

AND - so far today is a better day in being conscientious - so far. :) As much as I'm a dreamer, I am a realist after all and recognize that it's been a pretty easy morning so far. 

In reflecting on yesterday, even though my lovely DH started a firestorm with his VERY contentious (I'm loving this can you tell?) email, he stood up for himself and someone else. He called someone on the carpet who is professing certain beliefs in the public arena, then turning around off-stage and treating people just horribly. DH did it with honesty and without simply "bashing" this fellow. It was balanced with compliments for what the other guy is good at. Compared to the reply that he received  it was a masterpiece. And really - I'm proud. :)

What have we come to that we all have to be so careful of someone else's ego that we can't speak the truth any longer? That's not right. People who are afraid to speak the truth (granted that we do it in a balanced and loving way if possible) aren't people who change the world - even their immediate world and circumstances. They're people who stay where they are, accepting mediocrity and never making a difference to themselves or anyone around them.

Fear is a very crippling thing, and I'm glad that DH didn't bow to it. :) I'm a proud wifey. :)

Now - to continue on in being conscientious. HA!

The best laid plans...

In an effort to be conscientious, I lost my temper and yelled at everyone in my house today - wait - that didn't go as planned.

I don't like it when *real life* steps in to my goals. I like my plans.

I would appreciate it if know-it-all stinkyheads wouldn't harass my DH about his company late at night so that he will feel compelled to write ill-conceived responses under the effects of PM cold medicine, which result in stinkyhead's wife/manager writing more stinky emails at 3 am so that everyone can be even and insulting.

*sigh*  So I put an end to it all this morning with a four sentence email from DH's account. Not verbatim, but the gist is - Thanks for your quick reply to the email that wasn't sent to you. I expressed my opinions to Mr. X only, and haven't and wouldn't express them elsewhere, therefore negating your accusations of slander. Don't worry about us using Mr. X's name anymore - it will not be referenced in future. Thanks, and best of luck.

Why couldn't this have just happened in the first place??? Why did it even have to turn into stinkytown with stinkyness and screw up my nicely planned morning trip to Trader Joe's?

It all goes back to the fact that the more I know, the more I find that I don't know much. I don't understand people.

What really bothers me though is that I let it get to me. I let this silly man and his silly wife-manager screw up my morning and torque me until I yelled. Grrrr. Must find more tools for emotional coping. It's been so long since I've lost my temper like this that I'm at a loss. Time to do a little more tinkering on me.